Oxy . . . what? Sexual Intimacy and The Love Hormone

Good morning bloggers.

Today lets start a conversation about sexual intimacy and specifically pre-marriage sex. If you have read our book, My Heart Got Married and I Didn’t Know It, you learned about “oxytocin” a hormone and neurotransmitter released during bodily contact. This hormone — nicknamed the “bonding hormone” or the “love hormone” surges during sexual contact and orgasm for both men and women. It induces feeling of love and warmth, togetherness and bonding. What are the implications of this biological response? Often, couples who marry and later have difficulties look back and say, “I was in lust rather than in love.” More accurately, their feelings were likely due in large part to the oxytocin effect.

Is there a problem with this? Today’s daters often become sexually involved very quickly.
Sexual intimacy is a powerful bonding activity that can get ahead of friendship and the healthy development of the relationship.

Is it possible to say “no” or “not yet” or even “not until we’re married” these days? Tell us what you think.

Barbara and Lora

Pre-nuptial vs. Pre-marital cohabitation: What’s the Difference?

There is actually a difference between pre-nuptial and pre-marital cohabitation!  And it is not just a game of semantics!  Pre-nuptial living together means the couple has set date for the wedding, the couple is officially engaged, the search is on for the dress and other details are being attended to – that compares to pre-marital or just plain old, straight up living together or cohabiting.  While this couple may hope marriage is in the future, there are no concrete plans to marry.  Statistically, it appears that couples who live together pre-nuptially have the same percentage of success in marriage as couples who did not cohabit. However, where the research shows trouble is for the serial cohabitor- those individuals who live with a succession of partners before marriage have higher rates of divorce.  In essence, these individuals may be heart married a number of times and consequently go through the difficult breakups we call heart divorces before marrying. It is these folks who have higher rates of divorce.

Something to think about….

Hope you are having a great weekend,

Lora & Barbara

To Cohabit or Not: That is the Question

If you have read our book, My Heart Got Married And I Didn’t Know it, you already know that living together can contribute to the development of a “heart marriage”- the profound binding together of the hearts of a dating couple even though they have not purposefully or intentionally decided to marry. While researching the concept of heart marriage, we found some interesting facts about cohabiting. For instance, when men and women are asked about why they live together, men most often say they are “trying the relationship out”, while women say that they live with a man because they “think it will lead to marriage”. Eeks! It is so important to be on the same page before living with a romantic partner- it may be a difficult conversation but worth it to your relationship to know if you are living together for the same reasons.
Next time: premarital vs. prenuptual cohabitation- there is a difference!
Happy Friday-
Lora & Barbara

Tears and Wasted Years

We have seen this scenario play out almost every time we have an opportunity to talk about our book, My Heart Got Married And I Didn’t Know It. There will be someone in the audience who will stand with tears streaming down her face (so far it has been women who make this public statement) and tell her story of living with her boyfriend for many years, waiting for the relationship to get better, thinking marriage would make it right, only to finally realize the relationship was not going to work.  One woman was in therapy to help her move on with her life and make sense of the years she had devoted to a man who ultimately became abusive and cruel.  She felt she had missed the opportunity to experience pregnancy and childbirth as the years passed by.  She said, “If only I had known I was heart married, I could have made a more deliberate decision to leave, years earlier.  I hope your book prevents others from making the mistake I made.” We hope so too and testimonials like that encourage us to keep on talking about heart marriage and heart divorce!

Thanks for checking in-

Lora and Barbara

Have a Good Life!

Ok — so we have been blogging now for about a week.  We hope someone has been reading. Well — we know that we do have some readers because we have gotten a couple of comments.

So — today is Sunday and all we want to do today is wish for you many blessings! We hope you feel good about yourself — know where you want to go — and are on your way. If this describes you, then you are in a good place for a healthy relationship!

We would really love to hear some of your relationship stories. Go to our website, http://www.myheartgotmarried.com; take the “heart marriage” quiz; ask us your questions; BUY OUR BOOK!

Most of all, as we start a new week, have a good life!

Barbara & Lora

Happy Ending

Woohoo!   We have a great “heart marriage” and then “heart divorce” and now a NEW DAY story.

We ran into a young woman who had talked to us two years ago about her heart marriage.  She was in a relationship that didn’t feel right, yet she had almost married this wrong person.  She finally realized that all of her misgivings were a big red flag and that she should trust herself and act on it. Understanding that severing the relationship — getting a “heart divorce” — would be painful, take time for healing and feel very much like a legal divorce, she embarked upon the process.  Even though it was hard, she got through it!

She dated a number of different guys — but nothing seemed to work out. Even though she was getting a little discouraged, she knew that the right relationship was worth waiting for.

This is the good part –it has been about two years since her heart divorce and she has now met someone who shares so many of her values, her goals and dreams. They actually were friends and that friendship has turned into a dating relationship.  They have been together for several months, letting their relationship develop slowly and trying to avoid all of the pitfalls of “heart marriage.”   She is happy and content.  She’s convinced that this is a good and healthy relationship and they are mutually looking forward to a future together.

Share your stories — happy or otherwise!

Barbara & Lora

Guard Your Heart

With all the talk of “breaking-up” and “no proposals” and disappointment, how can you guard your heart. We all want good relationships and doesn’t that mean taking risks and putting yourself “out there!”

Some ways to guard your heart are:
1) Know what you want out of a relationship.
2) Be selective about who you date.
3) Take it slow — everyone puts his/her best foot forward on the front end.
4) Don’t jump right into a sexual relationship.
5) Make him/her go home at night — their bed is still there.
6) Communicate about your expectations, and values and dreams.
7) Don’t settle for less than what you are looking for!

If you do all these things — you will likely “grow in love” instead of falling into “heart marriage.”

We want to hear from you!!